Longtime readers of my bitch-about-work-fest thinly disguised as an online journal are aware of my feelings on my job as a teacher of English here. I complain regularly about the joke of a position I maintain in this country, a position at which, by the way, I am writing this very article as we speak. However, as much as I complain about the actual classroom situation, something that you may not be aware of is the fact that despite it all I am an awesome teacher. So, now that you know that, some of you may be wondering, "Galvin, what kind of things do you teach in class?" Others may be thinking, Galvin, what kind of influence have you had on your students' English?" And in both cases, I can answer with no degree of false honesty that everything I do in the educational vein is indeed some variety of AWESOME. Let's take a look at a couple of examples that will give you an idea of the true size and stature of the metaphorical erection that is my awesome teaching ability:

Exhibit I: Worksheet of Awesome

First I should mention that both these exhibits are from my junior high, Yachiho. This is because my only lasting effects on my elementary kids are an increased pain tolerance and a Pavlovian fear response to the sound of a belt buckle being undone (no, you sickos, no molesting; only severe beatings). Anyway, in elementary schools I'm more or less a glorified (albeit well-paid) babysitter, whereas in junior high I actually get to teach quite frequently and independently. Of course I am lying. Most of the time I serve as little more than a Human CD Player, repeating lines from the textbook like "Gosh Becky! As an American, you certainly are lacking in honor!" However, very occasionally, such as when the real teacher has a massive tequila hangover, I am given some portion of class time to fill however I choose, provided it is within the guidelines of the unfortunately stringent no-beatings policy in place in junior high schools. Of course, my teachers have also gotten in the habit of putting me in charge for the entire period of the worst-behaved class of the school, but that's another story for another time. Anyhoo, here's an example of the kinda stuff I come up with.

The following worksheet came about when asked to fill 20 minutes of class time reviewing the sentence patterns of "There is ______" and "Is there _______?". So, I thought I'd utilize my considerable artistic ability honed in the back of many a grade school math class and hand my students pictures depicting situations from which they could draw such sentences. I was also supposed to incorporate vocabulary they've (supposedly) learned from recent lessons, which involved a couple receiving Christmas cards featuring both Santa Claus and Jesus as a baby from their friends in Australia. No, I am not making that up. Foreign-language textbooks are infamous for being filled with nothing but horribly contrived unrealistic situations, such as Japanese people being even remotely civil to foreigners, and the one I work from is no different. Just for fun, let's take a look at some of the cast in my textbook, New Horizon:

On the right is Ken. He's the standard racially ambiguous character often present in Japanese-English texts. That's why he's named "Ken" -- it's both a Japanese AND a Cracker name, albeit one no one of the latter would assign their child unless they actively WISHED him to get beaten up frequently. Racially ambiguous characters are always useful in foreign textbooks because then the lazy writers can use him in whatever context the current lesson calls for. So, little Ken here can show up in one lesson dressed as a ninja and the next a cowboy, but because of his ethnically confused status nobody can say anything. Ken is always talking about playing baseball with Mark in the public park after school at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

On the left is Demi. She is, of course, the book's token black character. However, the students might become frightened of this so this is why she is also a woman. Plus making a minority character a female automatically turns them into some kind of SUPER minority; it easily doubles the social sentivity levels of the book. Frankly I'm astounded they didn't go for the Social Awareness hat trick and make her handicapped, or maybe even the quadruple-whammy by giving her AIDS or something. Demi is always telling various girls to go and verifying the occurences of purported acts of disrespect with the query no you di'int. Okay, so not really. But again, I'm almost surprised she doesn't. Instead, Demi is always talking about going to the clothing store to buy two green sweaters and one pair of blue boots. Because, y'know, she's a woman, and you know how they like to shop.

Lastly, we have Ms. Green. She's a young Canadian lady who has come to Japan to teach English, which means she may or may not be a JET. Which, if art imitates life, means she is a dirty, dirty, drunken skank. But no, of course she is as unrealistically clean-cut as the rest. Ms. Green is always talking about how she's from Canada eh where they eh drink maple syrup and ginger ale a lot eh. And occasionally about doling out sexual favors for crank. Or at least she should.

Anyway, in making my worksheet I also thought it would be fun to try to use these goody-two-shoes, milk-and-cookies characters in at least one picture, only putting them in a much more realistic light, perhaps dealing with problems my own students will likely have to face one day. So without further ado, let's take a look at the first picture:

Picture 1:

This picture depicts what I believe to be the true relationship between Ken, Demi, and that slut Ms. Green. I did take some artistic license -- namely that Ken and Demi aren't really dating in the text -- but I believe the rest is a pretty accurate portrayal of these characters in real-life situations.

Anyway, this picture was meant to get the students to come up with sentences like "Is there a baby in Ms. Green's belly?" but most of them ended up coming up with stuff like "Is there a fat woman?" and "There is lightning on the angry woman" so I guess they didn't get what I was going for. Their loss. Let's move onto the second picture.

Picture 2:

I had to use Santa somewhere in this sheet, but I couldn't figure out what to have him doing so I decided to just have him flipping people off. Always a good way to go in my opinion. Flipping the bird doesn't really have the same connotations here but most of the students have at least a general idea of what it means, so they kinda got it but I didn't get in trouble. This one didn't produce many good sentences (although I am partial to "Is there a cow next to Angry Santa?" but only due to the capitalization), but on the plus side I do think I draw a mean Angry Santa.

Picture 3:

This is probably my favorite since any sense of irony was completely lost on my students. After all, the best jokes in this context are the ones that I and only I get. But I mean, to my kids, why shouldn't Jesus be in Australia next to a smiling alligator and a boxing kangaroo? This one also produced great sentences like "There is a kangaroo next to a Jesus" and "Is there a God in Australia?". Both of which sound like the titles of failing responses on a theology essay exam.

Picture 4:

This one probably won't be funny to you, but what the hell. The cat-looking thing being impaled by the tree is "Doraemon", a long-running children's cartoon character here. Also in the picture on the wall is Anpanman, another popular character. In case you can't tell he is a superhero, who boasts the superhuman powers of unassisted flight, a limited degree of super-strength, and, I swear I am not making this up, having a head that is actually a giant bean-paste bun. I learned to draw both these guys mostly as a way to ingratiate myself to my younger kids, but also to amuse myself by constantly depicting them in violent context whenever the chance arises. Other than this picture, for instance, whenever we play Hangman it's always Anpanman that ends up swinging, usually with a shiv stuck in his edible skull for good measure. And that's just in elementary school. The funny thing is, other than the characters involved this type of stuff is probably not too different from the cartoons and comics my students see all the time anyway.

Anyway, that's enough about what I turn out for my students. I mean, you already know that I'm awesome. But what about my students? What do the little turds produce for me? Well. As you will soon see, although they are not quite yet on my level, some of my junior high kids, well, they're pretty awesome, too.

Exhibit II: Heartwarming Memories of Awesome

The following pictures are the cream of the crop of graduation cards my departing 9th graders had to make. The idea was to make up all these nice-looking cards and posters talking about what wonderful memories they have of junior high, and how they'll miss each other and stuff. Of course the whole thing was supposed to be a sweet, heart-warming pre-nostalgic little activity, but some of the contributions didn't quite end up that way. Partially because a certain English teacher (okay, so it was me) didn't always supply them with accurate translations of what they wanted to say, and partly, and I can't take as much credit for this as I'd like to, because it appears some of my students are no small measure of fucked up. Still, if you ask me, this is what teaching is all about. Let's take a look at what my dear students produced. Click on the pics for the full size images:

This one was made by a largish male student who is known primarily for his ability to finish all the food that his classmates are unable to at lunch. Now, it warms my heart to see such an otherwise reticent boy express his feelings with such passion. I mean sure, on the surface it sounds threatening but on the inside is a little boy who just doesn't want to let his past go. I think it's quite touching. Although I have no idea what heaven and hell have to do with anything here. I think I'll call the police now.

You gotta appreciate how this student doesn't sugarcoat anything. He's saying "Sure -- junior high was fun. But let's be realistic! It wasn't all hearts and candy, no siree!" And I appreciate that. By the way, I swear I, the bathroom floor, and a dirty mop are responsible for absolutely none of these "bad memories".

I teach many students across 8 different schools, so to be honest I'm not quite sure exactly who Takuya Komiyama is. However, I get the feeling that maybe I'd better start keeping an eye on him. Or start investigating his mysterious death, if he is in fact dead. Or start paying attention to him. Maybe all three.

"I live only in your dream? Doesn't that mean that you don't exist in the real world? Isn't that what dying grandparents tell their grandsons, or what E.T. more or less told that little kid? Ladies and gentlemen, I think we got a jumper.