Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Guess who’s back… dumb amazon.com reviewers are back… na na na na…. Yes folks, with my continued unemployment (or as I call it being career challenged) I have dedicated some more time to bringing to light the stupidity of the average amazon.com reviewer, and thus America. This time I break the mold and review a movie instead of a chart-topping album. Today’s cinematic masterpiece is Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Sure to be nominated for every Oscar there is, this movie earned approximately $7,956 (US currency at 1778 value), a tidy sum that will enable George Lucas to finally buy that extra state he has had his eye on. We all know this film has a dumb title, Yoda fights, and there are a lot of CGI effects. But we need to look deeper. How was this movie received by amazon.com reviewers? Let’s take a look.
brcst5 from Penn Hills, PA United States writes:
Yeah, I know this movie is not like earlier Star Wars movies, but come on, would you want the same thing over and over again. If you do, then I say just re-watch Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi. Sorry. It is pretty much just computer generated, but that is okay by me. There is no other way that Yoda could have fought unless it was!
So you admit that this film is “pretty much just computer generated”? Well then how does it qualify as a movie? Wouldn’t it have been better if Lucas, you know, made an actual movie with actors and sets and stuff? And it is interesting you say those who dislike this movie want the same thing over and over. I think it more likely you are the one who wants that, as this movie is nothing but the same Hollywood pabulum that graces our cinema screens every year. That is what made the original Star Wars good; they were different. This is a case of same shit, different year.
Denis Cronin from Ireland says:Why give this movie a bad review? I thought it was the best star wars film to come out yet (well, as good as the original series anyway). I loved the special effects, the big jedi fight, and Yoda fighting? brilliant! Oh, and of course the traditional star wars music. Don't give it a bad review, just because you're not a star wars fan. Keep it to yourself, OK?
Blah blah blah. Denis you are a bad bad person. You demand that no one review this movie negatively. Only positive reviews are allowed? Your demand leaves me with two possible explanations. 1: You are George Lucas and are covertly trying to influence public perceptions of your awful treacle. 2: You are some sort of fascist, intent on making everyone think alike. Well I refuse to live in your Orwellian hell, and will fight it with every fiber of my being! The forces of democracy and free thought must triumph, and when they do we can all agree that Attack of the Clones sucks.
Mikoyan from Ypsilanti, MI United States has this to say:
I enjoyed this movie alot more than the Phantom Menace. Even the much maligned love scenes were decent. This movie had the feel of the original Star Wars movies. Especially the battles between Obiwan and Jango Fett. After watching this one, I can't wait for Episode III.
So you are the one who liked the love scenes. My god, what is life like in your sugarcoated, poorly written world? Whoever the guy who was Anakin was, he sucked. And Natalie Portman, despite being photographed sunbathing topless by paparazzi, is an awful actress. How on earth did this feel like the original Star Wars movies? I don’t recall laughing at a moronic script, or praying that the movie would end when I saw the first three installments of this series. Well Mikoyan, your opinions are too disturbing to be dealt with any longer. A 12-year old viewer wrote:
The Phantom Menace was a very good movie. Better the Return of the Jedi but worse then A New Hope, and The Empire Strikes Back. I would be satisfied if Attack of the Clones was as good. It is way better this is the best movie I have ever seen. It takes palce ten years after The Phantom Menace when systems threatening to leave the Rupublic lead to The Clone Wars. The effects are absolutly fantastic. Everything looks amazing. The plot has the same dark feel that made The Empire Strikes Back so good. Natalie Portman is extremly HOT. How can you complain about the love scenes when you get to see her in such sexy outfits. As for the action don't get me started. The Clone War action scene is fantastic. It has big CGI monsters, hundreds of jedi fighting at once, tanks, battle droids, CGI stormtroopers, and then the awsome and unbelieveable Yoda fight. It is fantastic and shows why he is the jedi master. Overall there is nothing better to watch. This movie has no flaws. It is simpley stunning. As for the DVD it has the best video quality I have ever seen on DVD. In 2.35 anamorphic widescreen from its digital source will make you crave the death of film. The DD 5.1 EX soundtrack is also fantastic the explosions, dialog, and bass is all handled extremly. The extras are great too. Great deleted scenes, great documentaries, everything is great there is 3 hours plus of extras. If you don't own this stop reading and go buy it
Oh man. So if you are 12 now, you must have been what, 9 when Phantom Menace came out? Your review is striking in that everything you praise is a computer generated effect. No praise for the actors? Well you do note Portman’s extreme hotness. That is gross. You are 12, you should be busy thinking girls have cooties and stuff, not jacking off to a girl old enough to be… your older sister or something. You also dismiss the poorly written love scenes since we can stare at Portman. Hey man, when you are older you will know this, but when you want to watch something for masturbatory purposes and not pay attention to bad acting, find some porn. That is what it is there for.
Ben, a boy born in 1989 from Somewhere on earth writes:
I love these films. I have not seen AOTC but hope to get it for Christmas. All nine of the movies will creat a BIG story. For that to be done, you must have diffrent actors as in the original ones (a new hope ect). Keep in mind that Lucus first hade the idea of Phantom Menace or AOTC way before he came up with the idea for a new hope. These are MY generations movies! So BUG OFF! All those 60 year old who hate these movies: To Bad!
You reviewed this movie without having seen it? That is without precedent in my reader reviews. But you make it easy by being a moron. I regret to inform you that there will be no 9 movies, no third trilogy. Lucas will be able to retire after the next one, had no need of and extra $600 million. But you hit on a good point, it is good that these movies do not have Harrison Ford, Alec Guinness, or James Earl Jones in them; I would not want those good actors’ reputations sullied by touching this pile of horse excrement. A viewer from Kingsford, Michigan United States says:
How can you go wrong with a Star Wars DVD?
I have the answer. Watch this DVD! rodolfovelasquez from Tegucigalpa, Honduras
Otro Hit mas a la Saga, no lo puedes perder, compra todas las ediciones, es unajoya que se debe guardar forever.
Ok now my Spanish is a little rusty, so lets give it the old college try:
One more hit in the saga, it is not can lose, buy all of the editions, is enjoyable that is something guarding forever.
Ok so that wasn’t so hot, let’s see what babbelfish gives us:
Another Hit but to the Saga, it you cannot lose, purchase all the editions, is unajoya that should be kept forever.
That seems to make more sense, so remember to go out and unajoya yourself Attack of the Clones!
After watching Episode 2, the near realness was fantastic. It movie technology at it's very best. A must see film.
Hey Tim, how do you know it was real? Have you been involved in any clone wars? Yeah, I thought not. Then shut your goddamn mouth.
A viewer from Roswell, New Mexico
I had the pleasure of acquiring this DVD somewhere in Asia, and I think I may be the first person here to actually have seen the DVD before it's official release on November 12.
I won't say much, but I will tell you that it is WORTH the wait and the money. This is one of the best DVDs I have seen, much like its predecessor, "The Phantom Menace". I especially loved the re-inserted scene where Senator Padme comforts Anakin after he cries in desperation in Tattooine, after slaughtering the Sandpeople. It's a couple of seconds of re-inserted dialogue, and it was precious. I never really understood why it was cut in the theatrical release
Acquired in Asia? You mean you got this illegally? You criminal. What were you doing in Asia anyway? No one in Asia does anything good. I bet you over there to get yourself some underage hookers. You fucking pedophile. It is people like you, child-molesting, pirate DVD-buying scum that really make life tough on the rest of us. And I do not care what you think about the movie. I hope you end up in an Asian jail, getting what you deserve. And finally, Brian Nelson from Philadelphia, PA. United States writes:
“AOTC" was with out a doubt the best offering in the Star Wars Prequels. Anybody who trashed this film in my opinion did'nt really take notice to greatness of this film. When I saw it on it's opening night it "TOTALLY" blew me away. All of the unanswered questions are starting to be answered. George Lucas and the brillant people who put this masterpiece togther know that this film was the best so far. So to all of the non-believers out there should have their heads examined. If you hated this film wait until Episode III is released, and will will see who has the last laugh. Comparing the prequels to the originals is a total injustice!
I love reviews like this one. Take the first sentence. I mean, there is only one other movie in the series of prequels, and you could go and see Ishtar and say it was better than Phantom Menace. I tried to “take notice to greatness of this film”, believe me. But it sucked more than the guys at one of Terry’s Gladiator-movie watching parties. And why is it al the positive reviews say it is wrong to compare the new Star Wars movies to the old ones? What else can I compare them to, taking a dump? Lucas did not direct anything in the interim, so it is obvious he lost his touch somewhere in the last 20 years. Anyways, I have had my fill of you morons, so now I will go on my own rant of Attack of the Clones.
This movie was bad in every way possible. The directing, the acting, the running time, everything. And I will NOT be bought off by a bunch of CGI effects. Almost every positive review mentions Yoda fighting as being the high point. What the hell is wrong with you people? It is a fucking computer effect, and can be done by any loser in their basement on their PowerMac. Ditto for the giant battle scene. The Yoda fight was only watcheable on a “I cannot believe this is happening and other people find this great whereas I think it is laughably retarded” level. Do you people who liked all that realize that the only thing you praise are the effects? When did we decide that is all movies need to be good? And come on, so much of this movie made no sense or was aimed at 4-year-olds. Like when the Jedi/Clone army was winning, and the council of evil was in their main base and the one giant bug guy says “oh no, if they find out what we are planning all is lost”, and then for some reason turns on a schematic of the Death Star. What did Lucas think we thought he meant, a new kind of stapler? And everyone goes nuts for Bobba Fett and his dad. The internet has a long-running fascination with him, for no apparent reason. Do we forget this is someone who dies by FLYING INTO A DOOR? What a hero. And why did those people make the clone army if they were not being paid all those years? Nothing makes any goddamn sense. And then there is the love story. Maybe Hayden Christiansen can act, I doubt it, but no one can look good reciting dialogue written by the 4th-least-competent monkey in the room full of them slaving away at typewriters. Remember when he and Portman are sitting in the field of flowers? Thank god a certain person in the theater yelled “what is this, a Poland Spring commercial?” Only things like that made this movie bearable the one time I saw it. And I and 7 friends were able to buy tickets on opening night, and the theater was more crowded when I saw Deep Impact, so to all you idiots who waited in line for hours, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Morons. So in conclusion, anyone who thinks this movie was great is stupid or deluded. Don’t buy the DVD under any circumstances, even if you can get it cheap in Asia like that one pervert did.