Alright, this week's victim is . NOW, what do you think a show called Beauty Colosseum could possibly be about? Topless blondes smothered in cottage cheese wrestling in lettuce shavings? With the winner getting a date with YOU and the loser being given a death sentence, possibly involving lobsters and a broken down DVD player? WRONG. Beauty Colosseum is a wonderfully horrible program where women who have problems with their appearance appear on the show in order to get free plastic surgery. That's right, just for appearing on the show and telling their story, they get free plastic surgery. Kinda like one of those makeover shows on Jenny Jones, but WAYYYYYYYY more extreme and funny.

The sequence of the show goes as such. First, they bring that day's ugly woman out to get verbally assaulted by this guy and then this man/woman , whose name is Wada Akiko. You may not believe me, but that is a woman. Yeah, I don't believe it either, but it's a woman. These two proceed to break down the woman's self esteem until she is completely distraught and crying (HAHAH). After this verbal DP (double penetration who you non-porno freaks), in order to embarass and humiliate her further, a panel of various "professionals" on ugliness are brought out to trash her some more. This panel consists of a stylist, a makeup artist, a plastic surgeon and a couple of other experts on useless crap. In order to give these morons an air of authority, they are sat behind an elevated alter surrounded by greek columns. This gives the segment a Ben Hur meets Richard Bey vibe. So, after this second round of "critical analysis" and made to feel like the proverbial piece of crap in the pickle jar, the ugly woman is offered the chance to completely remake herself through the wonders of collagen, botox, and silicone, which also happen to be my 3 favorite cracker spreads. All she has to do is sign "The Beauty Contract"- giving her free plastic surgery. Then, the ugly guy above announces the catch phrase of the show "KORE DE ANATONO BI WA YAKUSOKU SAREMASHITA". Translated by Sakura Shogun's handheld dictionary it means "WE OWN YOUR SOUL YOU TOXIC FREAK". Actually it means "WITH THIS, YOUR BEAUTY HAS BEEN PROMISED". The woman is then brought back a month later to see how much "prettier" she has gotten. How much better do they look? Hmmmm, I guess a bit better. Then again it's a wonder what PLASTIC SURGERY can do to a gal.

Now, onto the first woman. Because I don't like her real name, let's call her Uglymoto Nastyko. She's 34 and ugly like dead pandas. Her face looks like someone used vanilla icing to smooth out and fill all the countours of a normal face and leave two coin slots for the person to look out of. Obviously, this woman wants her eyes bigger and her face less flat. Her story is very sad and emotional- her fiancee had broken off their engagement because he said her eyes "pissed him off"... HAHAHAHAHAHA. I have to use that sometime when I get engaged. So, the first thing they do is bring Uglymoto out and have the ugly man/woman criticize what is wrong with her. Some of the gems are "you're not pretty at all", "you're too ugly to have that ego" and "it's not just your eyes, there's something wrong with you inside because you look at me from the wrong angle". After Uglymoto is completely broken and crying, they bring in the ugly guy to bring her back up, encouraging her with such positive words as, "staying this ugly will only make you want to commit suicide" and "after the plastic surgery, men will fondle you on the train". So then, the panel appears out of the heavens to offer their opinions on what they could do to change her ugliness into beauty that would rival that of the black chick from Police Academy. The funniest comment comes from the hair stylist Mr. Arigato Dabutto- "you have too much hair and I'd like to take some out." HUH? Who has too much hair???? Don't most people want more hair, and as I understand it hair loss is not just a manly thing, it's girly too. Fine then, take some of her hair and give it to a chemo patient, god knows they need it the bald bastards. Uglymoto signs "The Beauty Contract", handing over her soul to the network for plastic surgery. So they take this beast of a woman away and bring her back a month later after her plastic surgery (cutting excess skin to make her eyes bigger). Wow does she look so much better! Why I'd love to pay her $50 to have sex with her in a diner bathroom! Enough sarcasm. Ok, her eyes do look bigger but there isn't much different. Basically, they took an ok looking chick and turned her into a normal eyed freak with a makeover. I'm not impressed. Let's leave Uglymoto-san and go on to the next freak of nature.

The second freak is a 20 yr old student. I don't like her name either so let's give her the name Mitsubeasti Miyucki. Because she has a big nose and small eyes, ever since she was young her classmates called her "PIERO" or clown in english. Mitsubeasti had such an obsession with being pretty, she once tried to cut her eyelids with a boxcutter in order to make them bigger. Not only that, but her cellphone bill is roughly $1000 per month because she cries to her friend every day about her appearance. Does this sound like someone who should be getting surgery, or some therapy? This segment of the show wasn't too funny but did have one line by the man-woman which was pretty good, "Why didn't you cover up your ugliness with makeup, or try to get new clothes?" This implies that instead of being comfortable with her clown face, she should have applied more makeup... to make her look like a clown. So the plastic surgeon does his magic fixing her eyes so they're bigger and lo and behold, she looks like a clown with big eyes. It doesn't help that the fashion designer put her in a miniskirt and fuzzy pink shirt. The team of professionals fails again to give Sakura Shogun a boner. Incidently, she ended up looking a lot like this;

OK, now my problem with the show. MY probem is with the ugly hosts of the show, in particular the man/woman Wada Akiko. WHO GAVE THIS ABNORMALITY THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE OTHERS!?!??!? I'd understand if the hosts were somewhat attractive, which definitely allows them to make fun of their lessers. BUT, this monster? I don't think so. She should have her penis chopped off (I KNOW YOUR SECRET) and locked in a room for 10 years with only a bedazzler and an easy bake oven so she can learn all over how to be a chick. Either that, or I'd suggest taking part in the show and allowing the plastic surgeon to turn Wada from an it to a she.

Alright, so that was this week's installation of Sakura Shogun's Opinion Deathpage. It may seem from my review that I didn't enjoy watching Beauty Colosseum, but it was actually very enjoyable and the women seemed genuinely happy with their new slightly deformed faces. The show also supports my opinion that all people are vain idiots who will do anything to look better in the eyes of others. Except for me, that's why I wear the mask. And if you think this is particular to Japan, you're kidding yourself because there is no way this show would fail on American tv. People from the great states of Missouri and Kentucky would line up to be the first ones to take advantage of an opportunity for free plastic surgery, attention, and fame. Seems like hubris is a worldwide phenomenon, it's just more cartoonish here.

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